Deal or No Deal...

...unfortunately, no deal.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Seven months of back and forth communication. Hours of preparation. Prayers. Visualization. Claiming.

They said no.

He was very nice about it. Gave me detailed reasons. Offered suggestions that could open the door in the future.

But seriously, as soon as we got past the prelim, "how's the weather...tell me about your business..." and he said, "Right now, this is not a good fit for us. We typically look for bigger numbers..." I just wanted him to stop talking.

Eyes closed, fingers pressed on temples, half listening, all I wanted to do was hurry him off the phone, get dressed and head to my local pizzeria and binge.



Eventually, I lifted my head, picked up a pen and starting taking notes. He gave me great feedback.

I felt numb. No, I was numb. Zombie-like.

I went through the motions of getting up, showering and preparing for work.

Sometime between drying off and moisturizing I started crying. Hard.

I cried the entire time I got dressed. I cried as I walked to the elevator. I cried as I walked to my car.

I cried on the freeway.

I cried in the parking lot at my j-o-b.

I'm crying (a bit) now as I type.

If not this, what? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Wasted time. I'm getting older. What do I have to show for all this time and money I have invested? What is my purpose?

I felt sooooooooooooo heavy. Plus my eyes were swollen (people kept giving me funny looks).

Typically, I am not a crier. A few years back I swore to myself I would never shed a tear over anyone or anything (parents, sisters, nieces, nephews excluded).

Around 8 o'clock that evening, I considered a particular suggestion made on the call - a monetary sum I needed to raise that would provide me with the human and technical resources to accomplish this vision.

The fighter in me began to plot and investigate.

Just before I was about to log-off my work computer, I was inspired to email the person to whom I had spoken with earlier that day. (I was so overcome with sadness that I hadn't bothered to send a "thank you" email.)

I wrote (not in red):

"Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I appreciate your suggestions. But, don't count me out! I'll update you on my progress quarterly."

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